59\\ being okay

I didn’t write the previous post to show how pitiful or depressed I get. I had the weeks that came from hell, experiencing major heart breaks and negativity overflows. I was feeling lost and emotionally unstable, then I finally gathered up myself and wrote that. I felt much better then. It has been a month, I think I’m doing better.

I remember someone told me not to give too much in love. Don’t get too suffocated when things come to an end. I clearly understand that, and I thought even if it’s gonna happen, I’ll be fine, but I never realize how much it will affect me till it happens.I felt helpless. I wanted to see him and it’s hard to stay angry at him. I keep telling myself not to give in, I must stand firm, and it’s just too damn hard.

One of the most frustrating fact of life is that sometimes relationships just end, often without reason. I always wonder how couples break up when falling out of love was not the reason. When we broke up, it was really hard to reach a conclusion as how our future relationship should be like. I faltered between saying stupid things to hate him to make myself feel better, to saying nice things about him (which made it harder, really), and to staying cool (oh lets be friends), to crying nonstop because it pained me so fucking much to let it go. I’ve gone through stages feeling sad, mourning the relationship and then feel relieved and then feel sad and everything all over again. I was filled with sadness, thinking that it was such a pity to have this relationship end. I suffered (and still suffering) insomnia, feeling down, yet still acting all normal and good when I talk to my family. Kept thinking to myself what I’ve done wrong to let this love slipped. I blame myself for almost everything that happened, and also have the thought of ‘what if I’ve never agree to the break up’, and there goes all the ‘what ifs’.

I don’t know how to feel, I didn’t know how to deal with it. I don’t think break up is something you can learn how to do. There isn’t proper way to do it. You can grow up and stop yelling at each other stupid and immature stuff, but you cannot learn how to not make yourself sad. When I fell into this, I don’t remember waking up without looking like a zombie, the cycle of heartache is terrible, and it takes more than just ego to break it, it takes courage too. Not sure if I’m ready to move on now, all I want to do now is to stay single to clear my mind. But I don’t wanna forget a single piece of those memory we shared. There’s ups and downs, but those were what made it beautiful. I hope that he feels the same too. Despite the fact that I was really upset by this break up.

I gained a lot throughout this break up, having my friends and my family to stand by me. I’m really grateful for having them. I know I will feel better as time goes by, and I want my family to know that I will be alright, But just at this point right now, I can’t move on yet, I don’t want to. Letting go of a 4 years relationship is really hard, it’s like experiencing a death, of sorts. I want to have more time to mourn this break up.

I’m not trying to fake a mature break up. I have failed to fight for this relationship, but at least I wanna be true to myself. To be honest, we still talk to each other whenever we can, about minor things, sing to each other, talk like how we used to, but this time knowing that we are only friends, best friends. Knowing that my family and friends wouldn’t be pleased by this idea. Friends were telling me not to talk to him, block him, ignore him and all that. I wanted to, but I can’t. Mainly because I still love him, and I thought that it would be such a pity to lose such a friend. He knows me best, he knows things my friends and family don’t know, we loved and we even cried together. Even we can’t be couple, I still cherish the friendship we have. When I tell my friends that we still keep in touch, e-v-e-r-y-o-n-e  show me that ‘Are you fucking kidding me’ face. I understand why, and I would probably feel the same if my friend did so, but throughout this, I realized 我真的没有那么潇洒. I know it hurts me to talk to him, but it hurts me even more to fake it like I don’t want to talk to him. I’ve been too rational during the break up, and now I want to follow my heart, giving my heart what it wants.

I know I’ve been acting really cool throughout this, and my friends were quite concerned about me being too okay, when I’m actually not. I just don’t feel good to express my sadness towards other people (told you I’m an introvert). I still cry, but only to myself, and him.  So don't worry about me, I love myself a lot to not hurt/starve myself. I’m fine. I still eat, I still attend classes, still drink and not getting drunk. To everyone I love and everyone who loves me, I’m okay, and I love you all too. :)

x, jo