Monday, 29 December 2014

60\\ Why couldn't it be Christmas everyday?

Here comes the end of our first semester. Visited numerous Christmas market throughout this whole festive season and I love all of them although they are all pretty similar. The food, the fairy lights, the atmosphere.

Just when I thought Christmas could not have been better, I spent my first magical Christmas in Paris. It might not be perfect, but it was indeed a wonderful trip. It makes me wonder, why couldn't it be Christmas everyday?

Merry Christmas everyone! Although it is a late one.

xx, Shan 

Wednesday, 3 December 2014

59\\ being okay

I didn’t write the previous post to show how pitiful or depressed I get. I had the weeks that came from hell, experiencing major heart breaks and negativity overflows. I was feeling lost and emotionally unstable, then I finally gathered up myself and wrote that. I felt much better then. It has been a month, I think I’m doing better.

I remember someone told me not to give too much in love. Don’t get too suffocated when things come to an end. I clearly understand that, and I thought even if it’s gonna happen, I’ll be fine, but I never realize how much it will affect me till it happens.I felt helpless. I wanted to see him and it’s hard to stay angry at him. I keep telling myself not to give in, I must stand firm, and it’s just too damn hard.

One of the most frustrating fact of life is that sometimes relationships just end, often without reason. I always wonder how couples break up when falling out of love was not the reason. When we broke up, it was really hard to reach a conclusion as how our future relationship should be like. I faltered between saying stupid things to hate him to make myself feel better, to saying nice things about him (which made it harder, really), and to staying cool (oh lets be friends), to crying nonstop because it pained me so fucking much to let it go. I’ve gone through stages feeling sad, mourning the relationship and then feel relieved and then feel sad and everything all over again. I was filled with sadness, thinking that it was such a pity to have this relationship end. I suffered (and still suffering) insomnia, feeling down, yet still acting all normal and good when I talk to my family. Kept thinking to myself what I’ve done wrong to let this love slipped. I blame myself for almost everything that happened, and also have the thought of ‘what if I’ve never agree to the break up’, and there goes all the ‘what ifs’.

I don’t know how to feel, I didn’t know how to deal with it. I don’t think break up is something you can learn how to do. There isn’t proper way to do it. You can grow up and stop yelling at each other stupid and immature stuff, but you cannot learn how to not make yourself sad. When I fell into this, I don’t remember waking up without looking like a zombie, the cycle of heartache is terrible, and it takes more than just ego to break it, it takes courage too. Not sure if I’m ready to move on now, all I want to do now is to stay single to clear my mind. But I don’t wanna forget a single piece of those memory we shared. There’s ups and downs, but those were what made it beautiful. I hope that he feels the same too. Despite the fact that I was really upset by this break up.

I gained a lot throughout this break up, having my friends and my family to stand by me. I’m really grateful for having them. I know I will feel better as time goes by, and I want my family to know that I will be alright, But just at this point right now, I can’t move on yet, I don’t want to. Letting go of a 4 years relationship is really hard, it’s like experiencing a death, of sorts. I want to have more time to mourn this break up.

I’m not trying to fake a mature break up. I have failed to fight for this relationship, but at least I wanna be true to myself. To be honest, we still talk to each other whenever we can, about minor things, sing to each other, talk like how we used to, but this time knowing that we are only friends, best friends. Knowing that my family and friends wouldn’t be pleased by this idea. Friends were telling me not to talk to him, block him, ignore him and all that. I wanted to, but I can’t. Mainly because I still love him, and I thought that it would be such a pity to lose such a friend. He knows me best, he knows things my friends and family don’t know, we loved and we even cried together. Even we can’t be couple, I still cherish the friendship we have. When I tell my friends that we still keep in touch, e-v-e-r-y-o-n-e  show me that ‘Are you fucking kidding me’ face. I understand why, and I would probably feel the same if my friend did so, but throughout this, I realized 我真的没有那么潇洒. I know it hurts me to talk to him, but it hurts me even more to fake it like I don’t want to talk to him. I’ve been too rational during the break up, and now I want to follow my heart, giving my heart what it wants.

I know I’ve been acting really cool throughout this, and my friends were quite concerned about me being too okay, when I’m actually not. I just don’t feel good to express my sadness towards other people (told you I’m an introvert). I still cry, but only to myself, and him.  So don't worry about me, I love myself a lot to not hurt/starve myself. I’m fine. I still eat, I still attend classes, still drink and not getting drunk. To everyone I love and everyone who loves me, I’m okay, and I love you all too. :)

x, jo

Saturday, 22 November 2014

58\\ homesick.

dress: Bangkok

Second month. Well, I totally lied about how awesome uni life is. It's not that awesome, and I don't really like it here. I don't know, is it just me? I really think Malaysia is a much nicer country to live in, and maybe mostly caused by the Cina-ness in me. I am not so into all this western stuff. Okay, I'll take back my words. It's too early to tell huh. I might like it here, I can, I will.

I love travelling a lot, for me it's that one chance for one to discover new places, take nice photos and meet new people. But at the same time I'm a home person, I can't stay away from home for too long. A week or two is good. 10 months, feeling unbearable already. I've always say that I wanna meet new people and I'm excited about it, but the fact is that I'm an introvert. I can't do the first move and too much of talking with strangers. It's really awkward to be alone with me, I bet my new friends have experienced the awkward moments already. But trust me, I didn't mean to make things that awkward, I just... I just can't think of any subject to talk about. I'm not sure whether you like watching running man, I don't talk bands and brands, I can't tell you too much about myself, I'm afraid I might bore you. Just if you know me well enough, you know I'm really bad at giving responses during conversations, and my friends get that a lot. Especially Shan, lol (and yes, haha and lol is the most I can reply. not that i'm not interested, i'm just really bad at socializing.) Sorry for taking so much shits reply from me.

I'm a social awkward.


This has probably become my new motto of life. I know I really needed a change. The way I learn things, and socialize. I probably should get out of my room more often comfort zone.

Things changed so quickly just in a month. I was still feeling alright the first month, thinking things will only be better, and then my life just crumble down without me even noticing. I never know this would affect me so much, and now all I wanna do is just sleep my head off without feeling anything, but I can't. I've been suffering insomnia since then. Falling asleep with tears, waking up with heartache, the cycle never ends. I hate this weather, and most of all the day-light saving shit. It's so gloomy everyday, I don't remember when was the last time waking up with sunlight. It is so hard to deal with this without the closest family and friends around, all I wanna do now is just to go home. I wanna have my mom to pats my head, my elder brother to hug me, my younger brother to accompany me to sleep, my cousins to talk to me. I guess I might feel better if I'm at home. I guess it will be not as hard for me to go through this stage. I miss home even more. :(
i want to feel better and stop feeling this way. :x


Monday, 6 October 2014

57\\ Freshers. Malaysian

The Hatfield Mosquito/ more like a spider

doing the grass sitting a lot

Hello earthlings, it has been awhile. Arrived here in UK for exactly two weeks, and I already miss home. But no worries (especially mum, if you're reading this), I'm doing good and I've made a lot of new friends finally not an anti social. Class was expected to start on the second week after we arrived but instead it was the endless inductions and freshers' parties that welcomed us.

It was really hard to leave everything I love behind, my family, friends and everything I love in Malaysia. Bazillion thanks to everyone who has came for my farewell and those who came to the airport. Transiting alone wasn't scary at all, but it will be better to have a company, and thank god for having Shan on the first flight to Dubai. How I wish she's here with me right now.

BTW, I have visited London for the first time with my bros. I don't even know why should I add the 'bros', but yeah... Thanks for having them too. They can be really annoying at times, but I'm really thankful to have them during my uni days. London! Big Ben, phone box, tower bridge and everything nice. A day is not enough for us to discover the beauty of it, definitely going back again, especially London Borough Market. (!!!!!)

Uni life here is plainly awesome. Class is finally starting this week, and I can't wait. :)

p/s: I miss and love you all. hearts

x, jo

Wednesday, 24 September 2014

56\\ flight diary

It was so hard to say goodbye. Those familiar faces at the airport, hugging Jo for the last time during the transit at Dubai airport, those eyes filled with tears. I don't even know how long was my flight due to the transit and time zone. Just checked my ticket, it was 14 hours and 30 minutes ride, minus the transit. It was a long ride. I tried to keep myself awake by watching all sorts of movies provided to reset my body clock, that's what Peng taught me.

I think I am doing pretty well here. No jetlag, except for the worst headache on the first night. Or does waking up 2 in the morning to close the window count? So yeah, I guess there is nothing to worry about, just a little more time to adapt and get myself used to it

p/s: I miss Jo. Almost screamed her name when I found Primark yesterday. Only if she was there to scream with me.

xx, Shan

Friday, 5 September 2014

55\\ Aug Photo Diary

#1. I think I'm all set for Autumn :)

#2. Wafflemeister- not to my liking. I have very high requirement for waffles. This, plainly overrated and overpriced. 18 for such, I cannot,

#3. Thursdvys- An oz inpired cafe. Smoked salmon omelette, banana pudding, baked macaroni and cheese and Mars bar cheesecake, these are what we ordered and everything tastes real good. I'm impressed, and lovin' it.

#4. As Confucious once said: "Perfectly fitting jeans are only as good as the cuffs you roll 'em with." That's right, he totally said it. - quoted from jackthreads and damn right! I think cuffed jeans are sexy, when paired with the right shoes especially.

#5. Grafa- 'We serve ugly food that taste so good!'

#6. A Pie Thing- Choco latte and Mashacre are the must have! read more on it here

#7. Cacti!! Let's build a terrarium!!

#8. Egg gratin, advanced edition. (egg, bread, and bacon) Yums!

#9. i-n-s-o-m-n-i-a

#10. Green tea Den Den at Washoku Den Den @One City, still better than Caffe Bene.

#11. Road trip essentials. Super ring and Cloud 9, WIN!

#12. Totora and friends, and Jo! Somewhere in Jonker Street, Melaka.

#13. Apple juice and basil seed

#14. Nana's Green Tea, and it's official, I'm a green tea lover.

#15. Jeneris by Ahren @ Nu Sentral, salted caramel coffee was (Y)

More to blog soon. Been very emotional lately. Running out of words. I'll be alright...signing off

x, jo

Wednesday, 3 September 2014

54\\ counting down

Photo taken at the beach during Chinese New Year

Back to Kuantan for two days. It was probably the last time to go back to Kuantan before I fly.  Blame the packed timetable, I went back for less than 5 times this year. Comparing to those days where I go back at least once a month when I was in A levels, it is very little. 

Counting down the days until I fly to UK. To be honest, I'm totally anxious about going to UK. The fact that time is flying so fast is scaring me! I haven't meet most of my friends yet, not ready to fly to another completely strange country alone without people who's so dear to me. I know the feelings will go away eventually after spending maybe a couple months (or weeks) there, but for now, it terrifies me a little. 

Is it contradicting if I say I am kinda excited at the same time? I will be lying if I say i am not. All the backpacking stories JM told me, I am going to experience them very soon, come back and tell her my stories. I am looking forward.

Cheers to new adventures.

xx, Shan

Thursday, 28 August 2014

53\\ Egg Gratin

It was indeed a busy week for me (and probably Shan too), settling our Uni stuff and visiting new cafes. More about those next, need to save 'em for more future entries. *wink* Went to bed real late last night, then I decided to stay at home but found myself with no noms. And so I gather up whatever we have in the fridge and made myself some egg gratin. And here's the recipe, you're welcome. Easy recipe for lazy peeps, just like me.  

Serves: 2

1 onion
2 eggs
1 slice of ham
1 sausage (I usually put 3-4 button mushrooms)
1 tablespoon of olive oil
1/2 teaspoon of butter (to grease the bowls)
Black pepper and mixed herbs (or parsley flakes)

:: Preheat the oven to 200°C
:: Grease ramekins with melted butter
:: Dice onions, ham and sausage (or mushrooms)
:: Pan fry onions, then ham and sausage, but not browned
:: Fill 'em in to the ramekins and crack an egg into each servings, you may also fill in some cheese
:: Garnish it with some black pepper and mixed herbs
:: Bake for 10-15 minutes

DING! Enjoy! (:


Monday, 25 August 2014

52\\ Sometimes, I go out and dress like....

May came to fetch me for dinner couple weeks ago. I was not ready when she arrived and we were early for the dinner so she dropped by while waiting for me to change. I was in my pajamas (dont doubt, I wear pajamas all day if I dont have to go out, true definition of laziness) and when I saw her, I shouted

"Chua I want to dress like you today!"  

I grabbed my singlet with shorts, put on my sister's outer wear and here we go, the similar outfit. Sadly, none of our friends notice this that night but I certainly had fun and did it once again with Jo days later.

Sometimes, I go out and dressed like May

xx, Shan